Slow down Newt!

Dear Newt,

Thanks again for entering the race.  There’s one little favor I’d like to request, though.  Please don’t collapse so quickly — you see, I’ve already bought a lot of popcorn and soda and other refreshments and I fear that your flameout is going to occur before the microwave is even turned on.  Let’s see what you’ve done already:

  • Called Obama the best food-stamp president in our history.  Really, Newt, just have the balls to say it.  Call Obama a nigger.  That’s what you’re really saying and your dog-whistle message (to appeal to your racist base) is clear.  Instead you hide behind code words and are aghast when anyone even suggests you were using racist connotations.
  • Criticized the Paul Ryan plan (“rightwing social engineering”) and then defended yourself by pretending you weren’t talking about the Ryan plan and also apologized to Paul Ryan.  Courageous, Newt.
  • Were found to have approximately $500,000 of debt with Tiffany’s.  That’s a lot of fucking breakfasts, Newt.  Now, your secret to getting married (we’ll skip the divorce part for now)  multiple times is out — spend a lot of money on jewelry so your current wife can stomach having sex with you.   On a side note, now I need to go vomit.
  • Dispatched one of the most hilarious press responses ever to your flailing campaign painting you as some kind of heroic figure out of a comic book (able to withstand a constant barrage of bullets and survive– and by bullets I mean harsh words; and by survive I mean flail) ,  much better performed than read.
Calm down Newt.  Slow down.  Take a breath.  Try to stay away from cameras for a bit.  With any luck your 2012 election bid might make it into the second half of 2011.

Dear Newt

Thanks for making my wish come true.  Now I will enjoy watching you get stomped either in the primary or (if hell freezes over AND the remainder of the Republican presidential hopefuls quit) the general election.  I’m sure it will be a spectacular defeat one way or another.  Or perhaps not — most Americans thought you had died already or they had forgotten about you altogether.

Perhaps I’m mistaken — maybe there are throngs of voters looking to elect a really, really old, arrogant, radical, white guy who repeatedly cheats on his wives  and who left Congress in disgrace twelve years ago (sorry, Newt, I wasn’t sure whether I should highlight the leaving Congress in disgrace part or the twelve years ago part — but together they are a juicy combination — sure, leaving in disgrace wasn’t what you’d want to be remembered by, but after all it was so long ago that you were relevant enough to be in a position to leave in disgrace.  Hell, now, no one really cares about you Newt, so I guess the only remedy for that is to run and lose a Presidential race.)

Afterward your defeat, you can lick your wounds and do what you do best — cheat on your wife and then marry the woman with whom you’re having an affair with.    Then you can write another book no one will read.

Thanks again and stocking up on popcorn,


P.S.  Cheer up, Newt, even if you lose in spectacular fashion like McCain did (no one really likes to talk about how much of an ass-kicking that was, do they?), you can still get invited to the Sunday political talk shows.  Because you’re a Republican.