Daniels Out

Now Mitch Daniels has opted against running.  I find this a bit surprising as he was being promoted heavily by various political operatives and their cohorts in the media.  What I found even more surprising was that Daniels was considered at all.  This is a man who was the budget director under Bush.  The budget director under Bush.  Somehow now what amounts to a serious Republican candidate is one of the men responsible for the reckless economic management that got us into this mess?  And I suppose his economic expertise would have allowed him to solve our problems?  Are we going to start electing arsonists to fight fires?

Slow down Newt!

Dear Newt,

Thanks again for entering the race.  There’s one little favor I’d like to request, though.  Please don’t collapse so quickly — you see, I’ve already bought a lot of popcorn and soda and other refreshments and I fear that your flameout is going to occur before the microwave is even turned on.  Let’s see what you’ve done already:

  • Called Obama the best food-stamp president in our history.  Really, Newt, just have the balls to say it.  Call Obama a nigger.  That’s what you’re really saying and your dog-whistle message (to appeal to your racist base) is clear.  Instead you hide behind code words and are aghast when anyone even suggests you were using racist connotations.
  • Criticized the Paul Ryan plan (“rightwing social engineering”) and then defended yourself by pretending you weren’t talking about the Ryan plan and also apologized to Paul Ryan.  Courageous, Newt.
  • Were found to have approximately $500,000 of debt with Tiffany’s.  That’s a lot of fucking breakfasts, Newt.  Now, your secret to getting married (we’ll skip the divorce part for now)  multiple times is out — spend a lot of money on jewelry so your current wife can stomach having sex with you.   On a side note, now I need to go vomit.
  • Dispatched one of the most hilarious press responses ever to your flailing campaign painting you as some kind of heroic figure out of a comic book (able to withstand a constant barrage of bullets and survive– and by bullets I mean harsh words; and by survive I mean flail) ,  much better performed than read.
Calm down Newt.  Slow down.  Take a breath.  Try to stay away from cameras for a bit.  With any luck your 2012 election bid might make it into the second half of 2011.

Trump Out

So it seems “The Donald” is also passing on 2012.  I’ve got to say I’m really quite disappointed — he’s long overdue for his comeuppance and being exposed as the absolute fraud he is.  How a conceited, self-aggrandizing, charlatan whose recent claim to fame is his catch phrase “You’re fired!” emerged as a potential candidate in midst of one of worst economic and employment climates since the Great Depression never ceased to amaze me.  But, when the party of note is the Republican party and part of his “appeal” is race baiting, the reality becomes easier to digest, however distasteful.

I’m sure Trump will soon utter some nonsense like, “I would have won had I entered the race, but …”  The reality Donald is you would have been humiliated, although let’s be honest, Obama already did that to you — let’s face it, he all but pulled down your pants and laughed at your small penis (is the Trump Tower only three inches?).

So Donald enjoy being the big man you are — and by big, I mean pathetic.  Fire some C-list celebrities or reality show attention whores who don’t adequately kiss your ass, then pretend you are a self-made  and don’t belong in debtor’s prison.

Huckabee Out

With Mike Huckabee opting to not run for the Republican presidential nomination, the GOP field to compete against Obama in 2012 is even weaker than before.   Huckabee brought with him a whole lot of crazy talk (even aside from his rejection of evolution), but that is a prerequisite for Republicans these days.  There’s no way of knowing if he truly believes some of the nonsense he utters or whether it’s just to appeal to his Fox News audience.  Having said that, Huckabee could often seem reasonable when other candidates continued to spew their hateful diatribes.  In fact, Huckabee was able to do something few other Republicans would dare —  praise Bill Clinton:

… don’t get it lost on you that a kid from a very small, southern rural state aspired to be President of the United States. This kid came from a dysfunctional family, alcoholic abusive father and yet, he didn’t just aspire, he was elected president of the United States not once, but twice.  That is an affirmation of the system. And it is a wonderful testament to give to every kid in America that no matter where you come from, you’ve got an opportunity to do something extraordinary

His departure leaves the door open for other potential candidates and, I suspect, makes the path for Mitt Romney a little bit easier.  Not that I foresee Romney being a coronated candidate like George W. Bush in 2000 without meaningful competition, but I can not see another Republican candidate (announced or rumored) defeating him.

Dear Newt

Thanks for making my wish come true.  Now I will enjoy watching you get stomped either in the primary or (if hell freezes over AND the remainder of the Republican presidential hopefuls quit) the general election.  I’m sure it will be a spectacular defeat one way or another.  Or perhaps not — most Americans thought you had died already or they had forgotten about you altogether.

Perhaps I’m mistaken — maybe there are throngs of voters looking to elect a really, really old, arrogant, radical, white guy who repeatedly cheats on his wives  and who left Congress in disgrace twelve years ago (sorry, Newt, I wasn’t sure whether I should highlight the leaving Congress in disgrace part or the twelve years ago part — but together they are a juicy combination — sure, leaving in disgrace wasn’t what you’d want to be remembered by, but after all it was so long ago that you were relevant enough to be in a position to leave in disgrace.  Hell, now, no one really cares about you Newt, so I guess the only remedy for that is to run and lose a Presidential race.)

Afterward your defeat, you can lick your wounds and do what you do best — cheat on your wife and then marry the woman with whom you’re having an affair with.    Then you can write another book no one will read.

Thanks again and stocking up on popcorn,

Ben

P.S.  Cheer up, Newt, even if you lose in spectacular fashion like McCain did (no one really likes to talk about how much of an ass-kicking that was, do they?), you can still get invited to the Sunday political talk shows.  Because you’re a Republican.