Slow down Newt!

Dear Newt,

Thanks again for entering the race.  There’s one little favor I’d like to request, though.  Please don’t collapse so quickly — you see, I’ve already bought a lot of popcorn and soda and other refreshments and I fear that your flameout is going to occur before the microwave is even turned on.  Let’s see what you’ve done already:

  • Called Obama the best food-stamp president in our history.  Really, Newt, just have the balls to say it.  Call Obama a nigger.  That’s what you’re really saying and your dog-whistle message (to appeal to your racist base) is clear.  Instead you hide behind code words and are aghast when anyone even suggests you were using racist connotations.
  • Criticized the Paul Ryan plan (“rightwing social engineering”) and then defended yourself by pretending you weren’t talking about the Ryan plan and also apologized to Paul Ryan.  Courageous, Newt.
  • Were found to have approximately $500,000 of debt with Tiffany’s.  That’s a lot of fucking breakfasts, Newt.  Now, your secret to getting married (we’ll skip the divorce part for now)  multiple times is out — spend a lot of money on jewelry so your current wife can stomach having sex with you.   On a side note, now I need to go vomit.
  • Dispatched one of the most hilarious press responses ever to your flailing campaign painting you as some kind of heroic figure out of a comic book (able to withstand a constant barrage of bullets and survive– and by bullets I mean harsh words; and by survive I mean flail) ,  much better performed than read.
Calm down Newt.  Slow down.  Take a breath.  Try to stay away from cameras for a bit.  With any luck your 2012 election bid might make it into the second half of 2011.
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